my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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