you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
