that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
