So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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