If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
