Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
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