i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
