I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
