Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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