It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just gift wrapped bread.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
