I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
It's never too late to be topless.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
