i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
My liver just broke up with me...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
