Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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