i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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