The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
