so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
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