I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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