are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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