I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
