i think my tv is drunk
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
