Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
