I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
