i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
