cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You dont lie about slip and slides
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
