I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
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