Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
