i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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