So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
a search helicopter?!
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day