I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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