dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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