have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
