I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
