god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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