I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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