The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
