She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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