i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
