i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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