You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
