Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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