It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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