I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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