Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
birth control should be required to get into college
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
