I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
