all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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