So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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