I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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