i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
