Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
