Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
