I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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