My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Randomize
