She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
