i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
