Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
