There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
why do cheetos always look like penises
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
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